This post comes with a woo warning!
I know, I know, we aren't supposed to call ourselves "woo" anymore. But I digress.
Over the past while, I've been on a bit of a personal quest to learn how to communicate better with horses. I desperately want to hear them and understand them with greater clarity and I felt that I needed to be taught how to be a better listener. I immersed myself in books and podcasts, studying what so many amazingly intuitive horse people had to say. I was envious of the ease in which they created a two way conversation with animals. I wanted that for myself. It just can't be that simple, I thought. I must be missing something.
All of these resources have been incredibly moving and eye opening and even life changing for me. This particular quote from Tania Kindersley on an episode of Warwick Schiller’s podcast is one I often go back and read or listen to again.
"I wanted to connect with my horse on a profound level. We spent, and do spend, huge amounts of time just standing in our Scottish field, breathing and connecting and feeling each other on an atomic level. I think of how I'm made of the ancient remnants of exploded stars, and so is she, and I feel myself tip toeing up to the very edge of the species barrier and just peering across. And she stands there doing all of the things that ex racehorses aren't supposed to do, and all the things that red mares aren't supposed to do, and she is carved out of the Scottish air. She is like a sort of extraordinary statue from ancient Greece. I christened that the place of peace."
Despite how deep the ripples from what I was learning ran in me, I still have felt like there's a missing piece, something I'm not putting together.
Recently I had a dream in which I walked up to myself - it was me, talking to myself - in a foggy, white void-like space. I said, "You already know how to talk to them. You always have. You do it every day."
I woke up startled and my thoughts felt crystal clear. It's true, I DO already know how. There's just a block, and it's in me. The communication comes at me, I acknowledge it, and then I reach up a protective arm and I block it. This comes entirely from a place of doubting my own intuition. Not trusting myself. "It can't be that simple".
Another component for me is fear of judgement. Shame - something so many of us struggle to overcome. I can't begin to express how much I frustrate myself when I block my intuition because I don't want to be judged. Sometimes this occurs in my sessions with horses and I don't even realize that I'm doing it.
There is an ebb and flow to this. When I'm alone with a horse, this problem usually does not exist. There is a free flowing, two way conversation happening and it is often effortless. But I am still deeply affected by the energies of other humans. I often talk about the importance of being grounded, calm, and present both for the therapist working directly with the horse, and for the owner present at the appointment as well. This is for the benefit of the horse, to be sure. But it is also for my benefit, as a deeply empathic person who throws up all sorts of barriers when there is nervous, negative, chaotic energy coming my way. These barriers help me to function, but they also block everything else from coming through. Connection, and communication. Not just with horses, but in all facets of my life.
Of course, it isn't the responsibility of the humans that I interact with to change or control their energy for me. They need to do it for themselves. Everyone is on their own journey, and we're allowed to feel our emotions as they come. Being in a place of peace and calm at all times is not expected, realistic, or even healthy. I don't expect that from the horses, and I shouldn't expect that from the people. It's okay to not feel peaceful and calm, as long as you have an awareness of how that's affecting those around you.
The way I deal with chaotic energy from horses is that I soften. I don't give their push anything to brace against. I'm quiet, I listen. I move through it with them. I don't take it personally, I don't feel shame. Somehow, this is much harder to do when it's the energy of another human. I love all of you humans reading this, I really do, but communication with animals comes more naturally to me and I can't fight that!
Thanks to my dream-self, I have realized that I don't need to be taught how to hear and understand the horses. I need to take down the barriers that exist within myself. I know what the horses are telling me. It's time to trust that.