Horse ownership - or partnership, stewardship, or however you quantify your relationship with horses - is a tough place to be right now. Our industry is experiencing intense changes and growing pains. We are learning so much, but also unlearning, which is much more challenging to work through. We are discovering that the way we’ve been taught isn’t always correct (or in some cases isn’t even ethical), grappling with the idea that some of our mentors and professionals didn’t give us the right answers, and feeling the heavy emotions of guilt and shame when we look back on some of the things we’ve done with horses - to horses - before we knew better. We are putting so much effort and energy into being better partners for our horses, and then feeling frustrated and discouraged when we witness some others around us walking the same old path, unwilling to change.
As an equine professional, I have to stay on top of the discoveries and the research, to separate the wheat from the chaff (so to speak), and pass on this knowledge to the clients that I’m trying to help. Even though it's part of my job, I struggle a lot with keeping up. I spend a lot of time and energy trying to work out the right way to approach situations, interpret issues or behaviours, and explain certain topics. Just when I think I have it figured out, new information comes out that changes my mind. Such is the scientific process!
My point is that even though that’s part of my job, I still feel overwhelmed by the changes that we’re experiencing in the industry and trying to make sense of it all. How do you stay on top of it when you’re someone with a job, a family, a personal life - and a horse? You want to show up for your horse as your best version of yourself, have all of the right information and make all of the best decisions. Most of all, you want your horse to “like you”, enjoy your time together, and willingly participate in your partnership. How do you keep on top of all of this information, sort out what’s useful for you, and apply it, while maybe only having the time to spend an hour or two with your horse a few days a week?
The answer isn’t straight-forward. Let’s discuss the issue that seems to be the most potent for many horse owners. I’m often shocked at the number of horse owners who doubt that their horse likes them, and it breaks my heart. I think part of it comes from a lack of clarity about what horses need from their human partner. Those negative feelings can also stem from that guilt and shame that I mentioned previously - the way things were done before we knew better. You need to let that guilt go. It doesn’t serve you and it doesn’t serve your horse.
The way that some of my clients have dealt with these emotions is by apologizing to their horse. “I’m sorry for the way I have treated you when I didn’t know better. I didn’t honour you as a sentient being, I did not ask for your consent, and I’m sorry for that” can go a long way to release those negative feelings that you’re carrying. You could also write down a list of things that you regret doing with your horse, and then dispose of it. Find a way to release your guilt.
You also need to remember that, while we do have so much in common with our horses, we also have differences in how our brains are wired. When we start to take their feedback personally, we lose our ability to interpret the feedback accurately. Their behaviour is their communication and we need to listen with open eyes, ears, and hearts. If we make it about us, the communication is compromised. As humans, we are so quick to assume that because our horse has asked us not to touch them, walked away from us in the pasture, or pinned their ears when we’ve brought out the saddle, it must be because they don’t want to be with us and therefore don’t like us. You need to start listening to their behaviour without assigning that human interpretation to it.
Horses want to be heard and listening creates trust. I honour this in my equine therapy sessions by asking for consent and by listening closely to the horse’s “yes” and “no” cues. While there are universal communication cues, they can also vary in subtlety between individuals. My goal is to show the horse that they can simultaneously express their opinion about what I’m doing, while using communication that is subtle enough to keep me safe. I want to read their facial expression and take the feedback, not ignore the feedback until it escalates to a bite or a kick.
Another facet of this that is easily forgotten and thus only creates more shame is the fact that we are going to continue to make mistakes. We have not reached a destination in our knowledge, and we never will. We will always be evolving and growing, and so will our relationship with horses. You need to accept that you will misinterpret behaviour, make the wrong choices, and won’t always feel grounded and present. That’s just life and if we don’t accept the fact that mistakes are how we grow, we will become stagnant.
One of the most beautiful things about horses is their capacity for sensing our intentions. Their vast electromagnetic field, while primarily acting as a giant sensor to protect them from danger as prey animals, also allows them to feel our energetic intentions with stunning accuracy. This is why people like to say that horses act as our mirrors. Horses know what we’re feeling better than we often know ourselves. Becoming in tune with our own intention is profound communication with the horse. I personally feel that it is the closest we can get to speaking in their language. This is what I remember when I’m struggling with the fact that I’m only human and I will make mistakes. If my intentions are positive and true, if I’m feeling to my core that I want to commune with the horses in a way that honours them, makes them feel safe, and creates trust between us - the horse knows that is the truth, despite what mistakes I make along the way.
I grew up being taught that I had to approach horses with confidence, even if I didn’t actually have it. It’s humorous for me to think back on that, because “fake it until you make it” just plain doesn’t work on horses. If I wasn’t confident, they knew that. It wasn’t the lack of confidence that bothered them - it was the incongruence between what I was feeling and how I was behaving. One of the changes that made the most profound difference in my relationship with horses was when I decided to stop acting a certain way around them and just show up as I was. When I approach horses, I do so with an open heart. This is me, this is where I’m at, this is how I’m feeling. This asks the horse, where are you at? What are you feeling? For me it is invaluable communication.
Utilizing the horse’s team can alleviate a lot of the pressure that we put on ourselves to always know the right thing to do for our horse. Most horse owners have a care team in place out of necessity. There’s the vet, the farrier, and many of us also have a coach, trainer, saddle fitter and a bodyworker/equine therapist of some kind. You may have even more. The challenging part is actually getting them to work together as a team. For example, if your farrier is making changes to your horse’s hoof balance, does your bodyworker know that or are they left wondering why your horse feels different under their hands? Is your bodyworker giving you feedback about your horse that might help the saddle fitter or trainer? If your horse has an injury, is your vet giving any guidance to the farrier and the bodyworker so that they may adjust their approach? Is there open dialogue between you and all of these professionals, to make sure all of this information is shared among them? If there isn’t, you can change that, and having support from a trusted care team will give you so much more confidence and peace about doing right by your horse.
All of these professionals specialize in different things. Not a single one of them will have all of the answers, and the key is to create an environment where all of their expertise is shared in a way that empowers you and elevates your horse’s care. If you don’t have open communication with one or any of your professionals, don’t just find a new one right off the bat. Many professionals don’t share much information because so many clients don’t want to hear it! You can open up the dialogue by expressing your desire for it. A question worded like “I’m very interested in learning about what you’re doing so that I can have a better understanding of what’s going on for my horse. Can you explain it to me?” can open up a much more honest conversation than “I need you to justify what you’re doing for my horse”. Setting a positive intention around our interactions with other people is just as important as with our interactions with horses.
Be gentle with yourself. You don’t have it all figured out and none of us do. We are all learning and we are all in this together. It’s important to remember this when we witness someone who is in a different place of learning than we are. Judgment of yourself or of others is rarely helpful for moving forward. Don’t put expectations on yourself or anyone else to be at the absolute forefront of the latest research and information when that is impossible for the majority of us.
Open yourself up to listening to what your horse has to say. Focus on creating a pure intention within yourself, so that your horse may feel seen and heard, despite what mistakes we may make along the way. Lean into the people around you who want to help you and your partnership.
I’ll end this with a quote that resonates deeply with me.
“The feeling of safety is the treatment.”
Dr Stephen Porges